The Baby Panda Murder
The Baby Panda Murder is the first ever episode of Kai-Lan Gets Grounded. Transcript (Episode opens as a shot of Kai-Lan's house, then we fade to see Kai-Lan doing her practice on attempting to go to china for another chance.) Kai-Lan: What's up b**ches, I'm Kai-Lan and today I am getting a second chance to go to china because I am going to get the baby panda and beat the living hell out of it! (laughs evily) (Ye-Ye enters Kai-Lan's house.) Ye-Ye: Kai-Lan, what the hell are you doing? Kai-Lan: I'm going to china again! Ye-Ye: (shocked) WHAT?! No! Kai-Lan: Ye-Ye, I wanna go to china again!!! Ye-Ye: F**k no! You are not going to china for the second time and I mean it!!! Kai-Lan: (growling angrily) Go suck my d**k motherf**ker!!! Ye-Ye: (enraged) KAI-LAN, THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHINA AGAIN AND THAT'S F**KING FINAL!!!!! GO TO YOUR GODDAMN ROOM OR ELSE YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!!!!!! Kai-Lan: F**K YOU YE-YE!!!! Ye-Ye: AND STOP SAYING MEAN THINGS TO ME!!! Man she's an a**hole! (Kai-Lan is in her room crying.) Kai-Lan: (crying angrily) I DON'T GIVE A S**T WHAT YE-YE SAYS, I'M GOING TO CHINA AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! (Later that night, Kai-Lan is getting some weapons and she's off to china.) Kai-Lan: Yes!!! Now all I have to do is to get the baby panda and all of the items that my friends used to give them!!! (laughs evily) (Kai-Lan has to do the job like she told. She goes to the bamboo palace to kidnap the baby panda and steals the watermelon blanket, tiger shoes, and the happy mask. The next day when Mommy Panda wakes, she noticed that her baby is gone.) Mommy Panda: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My baby! It's gone!!! What am I going to do?!?!?! (crying) After all of these days, my baby is GONE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!! Somebody help!!! My baby is gone! Officer!!! You gotta help me! My baby is missing!!! Officer Panda: Your baby? Well, I know who steal your baby, it's that f**king little chinese girl!!! Mommy Panda: You mean Kai-Lan?!?!?! She used to be nice back then but now... SHE'S NAUGHTY!!! A NAUGHTY LITTLE GIRL THAT TOOK MY BABY!!! I'M GOING TO WHOOP HER F**KING A** FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE!!! (Meanwhile, Baby Panda wokes up and he noticed that he wasn't at his home now.) Baby Panda: What the heck am I? I'm not at china anymore! (gasps) Kai-Lan: Welcome baby panda! Today, I'm going to kill you! But first, I will destroy your precious favorite things!!! (The baby panda gasps as he sees Kai-Lan holding his stuff.) Baby Panda: No!!! Not my favorite things!!!!! Kai-Lan: Oh yes I will! (Kai-Lan begins tearing the watermelon blanket and baby panda screams.) Kai-Lan: Next up are your goddamn tiger shoes! (Kai-Lan ignites the tiger shoes with his lighter and there are on fire. The baby panda screams making him more upset!) Kai-Lan: Last but not least, your happy mask! (Kai-Lan tores the mask which now the baby panda yells even more louder!!! Ye-Ye works on his garden and hears this noise.) Ye-Ye: What the hell is that?! It must be Kai-Lan teasing HoHo! I'm going to tell her! Baby Panda: NOOOOOO!!!!! My stuff!!! All tored up!!! You are literally the worst girl on the planet earth!!! Kai-Lan: Is that so? Well now that I break your stuff, it's time to kill you! Ye-Ye: (off-screen) KAI-LAN!!! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR NOW!!! I WANT YOU TO TALK TO ME!!! Kai-Lan: Oh s**t! It's Ye-Ye! (to the baby panda) Do not escape from my house! If you do, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU EVEN MORE!!!!!!!!! (The baby panda has to escape Kai-Lan's house and Kai-Lan opens her door to talk to Ye-Ye.) Kai-Lan: Ni hao Ye-Ye... Ye-Ye: Kai-Lan, are you teasing HoHo? Kai-Lan: No, I was just playing with that baby panda. Ye-Ye: Oh... It's not the same one from china? Kai-Lan: Nope, I was just playing with it... Ye-Ye: Well okay, but if you murder that, YOU... ARE... GROUNDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Got it?! Kai-Lan: Yes Ye-Ye... I promised not to do it... (laughs nervously) I will take care of it... (Ye-Ye walks away and Kai-Lan goes back to her house.) Whew! That was a close call! Now what was I? (sees that the baby panda has escaped) AAAHHHH!!!! The baby panda escaped!!!!! NOW HE'S GOING TO BE KILLED FOR THIS!!! Come back here you son of a b**ch panda!!! Baby Panda: HEEEEELLLLLLLLLP!!!!!! Somebody help me!!! (sees Rintoo, Tolee, and Hoho) That's it! These three friends will help me! Hey!!! Help me!!! Rintoo: Huh? Someone's calling us! Tolee: It's the baby panda from china! Hoho: What's the problem? Baby Panda: Kai-Lan's going to kill me!!! Rintoo: Kai-Lan's killing you? Oh my god! You hear that, Kai-Lan's going to kill the baby panda! Tolee: Ai ya!!! She's going to kill mommy panda's baby!!! Hoho: Holy crap! Don't you worry little pal, we will protect you from being harmed! Baby Panda: Thanks guys, you're the best! Kai-Lan: (off-screen) There you are you little f**ker! It's payback time!!! Baby Panda: Oh no!!! It's Kai-Lan!!! Tolee: She's here already?! Well, let's do this! Rintoo and Hoho: Right! (As Kai-Lan approaches, she sees Rintoo, Tolee, and Hoho and they are angry at her.) Kai-Lan: Huh?! What the- HEY!!! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY YOU MOTHERF**KERS!!! Rintoo: No! We see that you are trying to kill the baby panda! Tolee: Did you steal the baby panda from china?! Kai-Lan: Yes, I was going to kill that little b**ch, but it runs and I chase it! Hoho: You better not kill the baby panda or else you're in big trouble! Kai-Lan: Oh... You think that I am not killing the baby panda? Well, I destroy some of its favorite stuff! Rintoo, Tolee, and Hoho: You WHAT?! Kai-Lan: Yes, I let it cry because that b**ch doesn't want them anymore! Tolee: (angrily) Why did you destroy some of its stuff?! Rintoo: You are a very bad girl you stupid idiot! I'm going to attack you!!! (Rintoo jumps and attacks Kai-Lan causing her to scream and she's all beat up.) Kai-Lan: (enraged) AAAAAAUGH!!!! YOU F**KING B**CHES!!! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU WHEN I GET BACK!!! YOU'LL SEE!!! Rintoo: (to Kai-Lan, angrily) Oh yeah? Well suck your d**k fa**ot! You are not killing us! Even the baby panda!!! Tolee: Is everything all right? Rintoo: Yes, we're good for now. Let's hope Kai-Lan never kill us. Tolee: Agreed! Let's also hope that the baby panda never killed. Hoho: Right! (to Baby Panda) We got that stupid girl away now! Baby Panda: Thanks guys! Rintoo: You're welcome! Kai-Lan won't kill you at all! (They cheer up, Meanwhile in Kai-Lan's house, Kai-Lan wails about the failed attempt to kill the baby panda.) Kai-Lan: Almost had it!!! I'm sick of my friends insulting me not to kill the motherf**king panda! When I get my hands on them, (extremely enraged) I WILL SHOVE THOSE A**ES SO I CAN KILL THE MOTHERF**KING BABY F**KING PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ye-Ye: (off-screen) KAI-LAN! STOP SCREAMING ABOUT KILLING YOUR FRIENDS AND THE BABY PANDA! IF YOU YELL AGAIN I WILL SPANK YOUR F**KING BUTT 100,000,000 TIMES!!!!!!!!!